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The "How 2 Beh Beh Man" Guide: The way to a man's heart is through his stomach - be wary of what you eat my friends! Almost everyone believes that "the man"  is the head of the household... Is that really true?

The Following can be considered the Art Of Creating The Infamous Beh Beh Man!

So here we are and man to man "the following question" is easy to ask but very complicated to answer, here goes: If you had a choice would you prefer to be ah 'beh beh man' or a man dastardly (weak-kneed) suffering from 'foufoulou' because of a bad case of 'tabanca'?

So now that I got your attention I will give you a few more seconds to finish steupsing. Good enough, so you are saying that could never ever happen to you right - that will happen when cock get teet'.  Well, we have to consider how a proud and outstanding member of the male kingdom could end up in such a state. If you were listening to the radio yesterday as I was then you would be questioning certain aspects of your relationship today. There is a possibility or it could be more than likely that the safe and loving relationship that you so treasure now may not have been because of true love but tricks of the trade that a 'loving' or devious spouse practiced on you.

"Yuh better watch yuh back pardna" because I will reveal some of the tricks of the trade that may have you in your present state- seek and ye shall find my dear friend. It has been said that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach and having said that I  hope you have a good stomach for that which follows. Food and Drink my friends, we are going to have a conversation about food and drink.  One of the most famous tricks of the trade is sweat rice and today we will talk about two ways the rice is prepared to trap you since you like to think with your other head (dat is where it all starts eh). The following information was gathered while listening to Trinibashment radio in a call-in segment on 11.03.09 and are the views expressed by women who know and called in to let us know.

Sweat Rice: 

The classic sweat rice is prepared with a passion not to bring intimacy and romance but simply to create the beh beh man (in total control by the woman) - you! In classic style, the rice is boiled and when done the pot is placed on the floor where the woman removes her undergarments and stoops over the pot. The steaming rice condenses on the woman's pubis and buttock area and falls back into the rice.  That is the knot that bewitches you and without you knowing stupid becomes chupid (chupid is a little worse than being stupid) then beh beh. This is an ongoing process and the more rice you eat the more 'chupid" yuh get - you are then considered to be a loving and caring husband - damn ass.

Wood Slave in the Rice:

This is a professional job that needs the assistance of an obeah woman (definitely not an obeah man eh). The wood slave or 'check-ah-check' is taken to the obeah house and after a special ceremony is taken back home where it is cooked in the rice. The wood slave is removed and the rice drained. The unfortunate soul who eats the rice now becomes the woman's house slave.

The Frozen Cucumber (eh eh not for that reason - get yuh head outa the gutter now- we serious in here):

There is science and art with this method.  First, you need to get a healthy-looking cucumber, cut it open and take out some of the core. Now take some honey and put it inside, spread around well eh (doh worry ah listened well). Now get a piece of parchment paper and write the person's name on it, wrap the paper well and place it in the honey soup inside the cucumber. Now close the cucumber and seal it with hot candle wax. Take the cucumber and place it in the freezer compartment of your refrigerator. Turn it a few times (yuh might notice that the man is a little restless when yuh turn the cucumber).  After the cucumber is frozen that man is as quiet as an angel - yuh in control!

Ganga Channa:

Now, this is just plain nasty if yuh ask me. This topic was not discussed on the radio show today but I will add it all the same. To put it as simple as I can this is simply dried poop that is parched and sprinkled on the person's food. You are now not just a fool but ah dam fool my friend.

Shaved Pubic Hair:

This method had different ideas passed on. People used hair from their head, armpit but the most important hair used is pubic hair it always comes back to the Bermuda Triangle if you ask me. Yes if the woman is built just right when she stands (wearing pants eh) a ray of sunlight beams through the triangle of domination - foufoulou my friend - yuh dogs dead and yuh eh even know it. Oh and yes, in this method of 'woman is boss' the hair is burnt then crushed and sprinkled on the food the man eats. I don't know how this one works since burnt hair gives off such a strong scent. I guess the strength of this method remains in the Bermuda triangle.

Spiked Sorrel:

Well for those of you who love drinking sorrel, please make sure the source it comes from! If you are careless and don't care then maybe you will become "so basodee", "yuh eh go know yuh left foot from yuh right foot". This is a tricky situation because the secret ingredient can only be obtained when the female is experiencing her menstrual cycle. So if you are one of those guys who keeps a check on these things then knowing when to drink yuh chilled sorrel is extremely important. This could end up being a deal-making experience where the pack of cards is not stacked in your favor. In any case, yuh playing with a loaded deck with no chance of  'hitting and running'.

Breast Milk:

I am not afraid of this one, as a matter of fact, I might just encourage it if I get to source the milk so to speak. In this case, breast milk is added to the macaroni pie and most people know how Trini men love dey macaroni pie. The idea is to have you like a child under their control. I don't mind that as long as I could get the cookie every day.

Channel Eggs:

This one had me cracking up - this is the best and it is genius if yuh ask me - well yuh did not have to ... this is just brilliant. OK, the channel egg is created by breaking eggs on the back of the woman (bent over just enough for the egg to flow down her back). The egg drains (channels its' way) down the indentation of her spinal column flows in-between her butt cheeks to her pubic area then drains and is collected in a bowl below. the now sauced eggs are seasoned and either scrambled or fried and served. Now, remember if you are ever served eggs and it has that very peculiar smell that "ah real man knows" yuh should either smile or run like hell.

Left-hand Dumplings (Lef' Han' Dumplings):
Here is a bit of information that was given to me by Kent D Juice (WACK radio presenter) today. He explained that the "left-hand dumpling phenomena" belongs to the women of Tobago. The trick of this "tie" works something like this: The woman undresses and in a naked state goes into the kitchen where she kneads the flour (naked as she born eh) with her left hand (I eh know why eh so doh ask me).  The resulting dumpling or bake is then served to the man especially when he wants the cookie eh.  Tobago tricks better than Trinidad tricks eh so in this case yuh tie for life.

OK, the final item I missed or they simply did not get to it - there were calls, and men who all of a sudden became aware of the minefield that they have been in could not gather themselves properly to continue the discourse.  Now if you can shed some light on the Callaloo please leave a comment: 1. Spiked Callaloo.

So, my friends, Christmas is coming and sorrel is a must, rice is an everyday food, and breakfast eggs are taken for granted. Always be cognizant of your surroundings and take a close look at yourself in the mirror and remember how life was before you found yourself in your present situation. Do you consider it a journey that was well-traveled and you are looking forward to tomorrow or do you now think that you are in a predicament just like Kenny Phillips (I don't know, why don't you ask Kenny Phillips yuh self)? OK, he is a caring husband and loving father.  There you go, so what's wrong with that?

Addendum: 
I just thought about this issue... How does all of this apply to same-sex relationships? Tell meh nah....